The Whole Nine Yards
by thebashfulgardener
Summary: Loren Paxton loses control over her whole world in the same instant Sirius Black begins to, at last, gain some control over his. In their final year at Hogwarts, they find each other, quite by accident. And so begins a new chapter in both their lives. M for mature themes and violence. Eventual Sirius/OC. Eventual Lily/James.
1. Chapter 1

**I posted the first couple chapters of this story a few years ago under a different penname, but I don't remember the email address I used for it so can't access the account. Since then I've written a bit more and wanted to give sharing it another go. I hope you like it. I'll post the second chapter quickly if it seems like something people would want me to keep up. :)**

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For the first time in all my years at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, coming back for the start of the year did not fill me with anticipation and excitement. I slid out of the horseless carriages to start the year for the 7th and last time in my life. And all I felt was dread and fear and something else I couldn't quite put my finger on. A lacking of something that used to be there, but died some time ago. I suppose I should be thanking my lucky stars that the carriages _were_ still horseless after last year.

"Hey, Loren. How was your break?" Lily Evans smiled at me, joining me as I walked towards the Great Hall.

Out of all my Gryffindor dorm mates, Lily always made a real effort to include me and be nice to me. I saw pinned to her robes, a shiny Head Girl badge. That didn't surprise me at all.

"Fine, thanks." I managed to plaster something that resembled a smile on my face.

"That's good! See you inside then." She grinned again and ran off to join her friends, Mary MacDonald and Alice Prewett.

I caught a glimpse of Seb, Wes and Cate laughing about something as they entered the Great Hall. And Jacob. And Quinn. I saw her auburn head of hair bouncing along next to Jacob's blonde one. He slid his hand into hers. Without thinking, I ducked behind a group of third years so that they wouldn't see me, which was quite awkward as I was above average height for a seventeen year old girl let alone a group of pre-pubescent kids.

It was right then and there, realizing that this year I would have absolutely no one to sit next to at the start of year feast, that made me stop in my tracks, turn around and bail.

I hurried through the corridors, up the stairs and down to the Gryffindor common room. I didn't need to eat now. I could always sneak out to the kitchens later.

"The feast over already? They go quicker and quicker every year" The Fat Lady asked, bored.

"Oh, no. It's not over yet, I was just feeling a bit sick." I made up quickly.

"Do you have the password?" She drawled.

"Um… no…" I twisted a strand of my long, dark chocolate hair around my finger and bit my lip.

"I can't let you in without the password, sweetie." She rolled her eyes and sidled out of the painting.

"Hey, come back!" I demanded, but it was no use. I sighed and wandered off aimlessly.

I wished Jasper were still here. I knew he was having the time of his life in Austria at the moment, in his first year of Curse Breaker Academy. By the sound of his letters, he was finally getting over what happened to the family the summer before the beginning of last year. Sofie seemed fine too, if a little shaken. She had Beatrice and Tim to help her. I'd never had the same relationship with my friends that Sofie has with hers. I suppose that was partially because all my friends were Jasper's friends first.

Sofie was also only 12 when it happened. Too young to really understand. Jasper and I had been shaken to the core. Returning to school, where everyone expected us to be normal was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It wasn't too bad for Jasper because he was in his 7th year. All our 7th year friends were slightly more distant and hung out less because of their NEWTs and they were preparing for life after Hogwarts.

The sound of a dry cough startled me out of my reverie. I blinked as I took in my surroundings. Somehow I'd managed to find my way to the potions dungeons.

"Paxton, what are you doing here?"

I smiled in spite of myself. It was Sev. One of the only people who had no connection to my old group of friends.

"I could ask you the same question, Snape." I responded, joining him by the cauldron he'd set up.

"The idea of being targeted by 'the Marauders' in a childish welcome back prank seemed less enticing than you might think." He said with a sneer.

I laughed. The Marauders, as they'd named themselves, always did a welcome back prank of some sort at the start of year feast. And every year, poor Sev seemed to come out the worst. James Potter, the leader of the little gang of miscreants despised him for having been friends with Evans.

"What's cooking, good looking?" I asked, peering into the bubbling cauldron.

Sev was renowned for his potion making skills. He and I became sort of friends two years ago when Evans and he had the fight to end all fights. She ditched him in potions and Slughorn paired me with him instead. At first he didn't even speak to me, but once he realized I wasn't half bad at potion making and invention myself we began our strange friendship.

"I'm practicing my Draught of the Living Death. Come here and look at this." He pointed at some illegible scribble he'd written in the margins of his Potions book.

"All I see is an ink smudge, hun." I said drily.

"I'm sorry I forgot you weren't nearly as intelligent as myself. It basically suggests substituting chopped snuffpods for crushed ones. See how my potion looks far inkier than a usual draught?" He smirked, not trying to contain his arrogance.

I nodded, ignoring the jab. "Is that because when you crush the snuffpods the excess juice dilutes the boomslang venom?"

"I assume so. Or the acidity in the venom is cancelled by the juice, leaving the potion far too basic. Chopping limits the amount of juice."

I took note of this in my head, deciding to do some research on snuffpod juice later.

I watched Sev silently for a while, cutting in with an occasional suggestion. It was nice to be free from all the whispers that still followed me and the din of the great hall that used to be comforting but was now torturous.

Eventually, we mutually decided it was time to leave the dark, musty dungeons and head to our respective common rooms. We didn't say goodbye, just nodded as we went our separate ways.

I grabbed the password off a prefect and dragged my feet to the common room, not ready to fall asleep and wake up to start the first day of what was sure to be the loneliest year of my life.

I was in for a shock though. When I reached the portrait hole, the three people standing outside it were the last three people I had expected. Seb, Wes and Cate. They must have been seeking me out as there was no other reason for three 7th year Ravenclaws hanging around outside the Gryffindor common room.

I decided to just walk straight past them and pretend I hadn't noticed them. I muttered the password to the Fat Lady and she swung open the door.

"Loz. We didn't see you at the feast." Seb spotted me and ran up to grab my arm.

"Uh, nah I bailed." I mumbled as I shook him off.

Seb and Wes shared a look I couldn't interpret.

"You can't hide forever, Loz. It is a new year, you know." Cate said quietly.

"Yeah, surely you must be over last summer by now." Wes cut in.

Cate shoved him. Wes had always been more blunt than the rest of my old group of friends. I always assumed inability to sympathize was a trait that came with being far smarter than the average member of the human race.

"What Wes means is… we're here for one more year. Jasper and all his year are gone… now it's just us… Look, I know you're mad at Jacob and Quinn and what happened was unforgivable but the old Loren would be able to put that behind her. Let's not finish school this way."

For the entirety of Cate's speech I stood stock-still, emotionless. Maybe the old Loren _would_ be able to put it behind her. Before the summer of 6th year. But the old Loren died that night. I could barely remember the enigmatic, cheeky, innocent girl who breezed through life with little care about anything but her immediate life. She was replaced by someone so cautious that she'd had to distance herself from all of her old friends and boyfriend in order to piece together what she had left.

I thought about what my old friends were saying. It would be so easy. Go with them back to the Ravenclaw common room. Smile at Jacob and Quinn and pretend that I had forgiven them. But… I just couldn't. I couldn't pretend to be the person I used to be. Quinn had been my best friend. And Jacob had been my boyfriend. I had already been unsure of myself. When I found out what they were doing behind my back, it was the final straw. I learned how to be by myself. And I found that it was actually far easier. Less drama, less mindless gossip, fewer distractions, less hurt.

"Um… I guess I've just changed." I finally said, realizing they were still waiting for an answer.

"If you can change, you can change back." Wes said, logically.

"I don't think I can." I turned around and climbed through the hole, still open, without even a glance back at the people whom I used to be closest with in the world.

I walked through the common room, abuzz with first day back chatter. A group of first years were listening in awe to Tom Bailey and Euston Jones' purposefully wrong explanation of how to get by at Hogwarts. I nearly smiled when Tom mentioned that McGonagall didn't really care about tardiness and being late to her class was fine. Those poor first years. Some 4th year girls were giggling in the corner over summer gossip. An impromptu game of monkey in the middle had begun amongst some of the younger boys. They were teasing Damian Creevey again and had managed to knick his wand.

I tried to get through, unscathed, melting into the scenery. The girls' staircase was just behind the fireplace. If I could just make it there without being noticed…

This was obviously too much to ask.

Domineering the couches by the fire were the four loudest, most obnoxious, most charismatic and, let's be honest, most troublesome wizards at Hogwarts. The Marauders. Led by James Potter they consisted of Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. They usually ignored everyone around them apart from when they were tormenting the Slytherins or Evans was rejecting Potter, yet again. But tonight, just as I reached the bottom of the stairs, I felt a prickle on the back of my neck. Like someone's eyes were on me.

I whipped my head around. Black was staring at me, his eyes emotionless and cold. He was just staring. Not like he was checking me out or anything. Just… staring. My heart rate increased and I felt sweat collect under my arms. Why was he staring at me like that? I froze, unsure how to respond. Should I call him out for staring? Or run away? In my uncertainty I ended up staring back accidentally. He didn't divert his gaze. This was so uncomfortable. Eventually, my mind returned to my body and I high-tailed up the stairs as quickly as my legs could carry me.

I collapsed on my bed, out of breath. The other girls weren't in the dorm yet. What the hell had that been about? Ignores me for 6 years and then this? I don't even think he knew my name. I couldn't think of one time we'd had a real conversation. He'd always been the complete opposite of me. Moody and troubled. Kind of quiet. He never put up with anyone's bullshit. Especially the girls that obsessed over his looks. He was blunt and cutting and didn't seem like he gave a damn about anything but his mates.

All through Quinn and his relationship last year he never showed much interest in her. He didn't even care when she cheated on him with Jacob. He ended things without so much as a sniffle. Had moved on by the next week.

And here I was, the whole thing having seemingly permanently scarred me.

So why had he been staring so intensely at someone he'd never given two shits about before?

I had no explanation for his behaviour.

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 **So there you have it. The first chapter of The Whole Nine Yards. Please leave a review :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Wow, thank you SO much to all those who reviewed, favourited, and alerted my story. I really, really appreciate it! Here's the second chapter! I hope you like it.**

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I woke up before the other girls. I didn't sleep that much. The nightmares tended to force me up at least 4 times a night, sweating and screaming. I'd learned very quickly to use silencing charms around my bed.

This morning was no different. It was still dark when I got up. Autumn had definitely started. I had a long shower and put my uniform on, taking an abhorrent amount of time to brush and dry my long hair. I slapped some foundation and eyeliner on and looked at myself in the bathroom full length mirror.

I'd finally managed to put back on some of the weight I'd lost last year. I was still rather slender, but at least I couldn't see my ribs anymore. In the Pureblood community I was thought of as ivory-skinned, aristocratic, regal looking, but I just thought I looked pale and haughty. I guess I could be considered beautiful. But I was no Evans. And I certainly wasn't curvy and bouncy like Quinn.

I heard the others finally stirring. The sun had risen by now and it looked like it was going to be a nice day despite the sting of the cold air.

"Morning, Loren." Evans yawned from her bed when I opened the bathroom door. Prewett rushed in, smiling at me as she shut the door.

"Morning." I nodded.

"Hey, Paxton. We didn't see you at the feast." MacDonald, still huddled up under her blankets, said.

"Oh, yeah I was feeling a bit sick so came up early." I replied, shifting from foot to foot.

"That sucks. Hope you're feeling better." Evans said sympathetically.

"I'm ok now. Probably just motion sickness."

"See you at breakfast?" Evans asked.

I smiled and made my escape.

It was quiet in the Great Hall. Not that many students were ready yet. I grabbed my timetable of McGonagall and glanced through it absent-mindedly.

It was pretty good this year. I'd heard from last year's 7th years that the class schedule lightened up for your final year. I had hour gaps on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and a huge two hour gap on Fridays. I supposed most people would another gap somewhere in there. I'd chosen to take Alchemy on top of my 6 NEWT subjects: DADA, Transfiguration, Potions, Astronomy, Arithmancy and Herbology.

Alchemy was right up my alley. All about the manipulation of magic. Creating potions, spells. Figuring out why magic worked the way it did and how.

I really enjoyed my long breakfasts. Usually I'd do some extra study over my usual bowl of Wheaties, but today I just read. I loved reading muggle classics. Most Pureblood families would be horrified at the thought of their daughter enjoying anything made by muggles, but mine had always been different. And we were always slightly alienated for that. Still invited to functions, made small talk with. But always made to feel like we were slightly less than others. Or like we were committing some foul act.

I pushed these thoughts from my mind. This topic of thought was very close to bringing back reasons surrounding last summer. I picked my bowl up and drained the milk.

When I set it down, I realized he was looking at me again. I could see him in my peripheral vision. Potter was gesticulating wildly about something Pettigrew was finding hilarious. I chuckled when he accidentally knocked a plate of yogurt off the table and Lupin subtly sighed and swished his wand to clean it up. But Black wasn't paying attention to any of this. His gaze was on me again.

To be fair, this time when we made eye contact he had the grace to divert his eyes quickly. Like he was embarrassed. But I knew I was wrong on that account. Sirius Black didn't get embarrassed.

He looked better this year than last. Healthier and less moody, somehow. The Paxtons and the Blacks had never gotten along. The family most concerned with pure blood and ancestry compared to one of the least concerned. We saw each other at dances and dinners, but never spoke. They would merely shoot disgusted glances our way throughout the night.

But, of course, my mother knew everything that was going on in every Pureblood family. So, naturally, we were all aware of the abuse Black suffered at home for disagreeing with his family's views. And, though I never spoke to him, I always looked for him at the start of year feast to see how pale, thin and pained he looked this year. Always silently hoping he wouldn't be.

I had Defence first. After the awkward staring encounter, I wasn't feeling so comfortable at the table anymore and decided to slowly head over to the room. I assumed we had a new professor this year, though I'd missed the announcements. We always did. It was almost a joke how terrible the job security was for our past five professors.

I was right. As I entered the room, which was a little to dark and unnerving for my taste, I saw a lean, middle-aged balding man peering into one of the many cages placed around the room.

I slipped into one of the seats at the back and looked around the strange room. There were all sorts of creatures in tanks and cages. All incredibly rare and hard to find. I recognized Chimaeras, a Mooncalf, Porlocks and, most dangerous of all, a Lethifold. The Lethifold was in tank with thick glass walls that had been bioformed to resemble the tropics.

And a unicorn calf. Blindingly gold, curled up in the corner of a back cage. My jaw dropped when I spotted it. Unicorn calves weren't just rare, they were near impossible to find. And they should never, ever be taken from their mothers until they lost their gold colour. And never placed in captivity. Their lifespans shortened by about 80%.

I opened my mouth to ask the professor what the hell he thought he was doing, but quickly shut it again noticing how full the class now was. Most students were pointing at different creatures in awe, having only ever seen them in books.

"Attention, class." The tall, lean man clapped his hands and flicked his wand. The words:

 _Professor Lindbergh_

 _7_ _th_ _Year Defence Against the Dark Arts_

Appeared on the board behind him. The raucous quietened.

"Welcome to your second NEWT year. Throughout the next year you will continue to cover the more complex types of Dark Magic. This year we will cover irreversible curses. This will build on your 6th year spell, charm and hex knowledge. This will lead up to learning about the Unforgivable curses in far more depth, including an excursion to the Ministry of Magic where you will witness these curses and be given an abridged tour of the brand new Department of Mysteries. This is new part of the course, only offered to—"

Lindbergh drawled on about the outline of the coursework this year, but I wasn't listening. I was so focused on the unicorn calf I only heard half of what he was saying. It was pacing back and forth in its cage. Upon first glance, nothing seemed out of the ordinary, but with a closer look it was obvious the creature was shaking with terror. This was so wrong.

"Professor." I heard a girl ask.

"Yes, Miss…" Lindbergh asked, annoyed that his lecture had been interrupted.

"Evans, sir. What are all these rare creatures doing in the classroom?" She asked, inquisitively. Her fiery red hair was scraped back into a side pony and she looked far neater and more put together than I could ever manage.

"Ah, I'm glad you asked. I'm doing some very important research for the ministry on rare and dangerous creatures. Albus allowed me to keep my research here in exchange for a year's service as a professor." He smiled, obviously loving bragging about his 'important' work.

"Are they safe?" Katie Gregory, from Hufflepuff, asked worriedly.

"All the creatures are contained correctly and the especially dangerous ones are under protective enchantments." He replied.

"How did you get the unicorn? I thought it was impossible to find the babies?" Another Hufflepuff girl asked in awe.

"This calf is from the Forbidden Forest actually. Unicorn calves can be captured though it is difficult and they are impossible to transport, hence why I chose the forest surrounding Hogwarts. Now enough questions, there is much content to get through this year." He turned back to face the board with a self-important swish of his robes.

I felt a burning hatred begin to form inside myself. I hated arrogance almost as much as I hated cruelty. And this jackass had both in spades.

I didn't listen to the entirety of the class, in a hot mess over whether I should speak up about the calf. I wasn't an idiot. I knew he would shut me down instantly if I said anything in class. But I had to do something. I could not let this poor animal be treated like this.

I bit my lip as a crazy idea stirred in my head. It was so outrageous and impulsive. But, if I executed it right… maybe I could save it's life. What did I have to lose?

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That night, I waited for the girls to fall asleep, listening for their slowed breath and gentle snores over the heavy rain that had started that evening. I slipped out of bed, already dressed to go in sweat pants, wellies and a waterproof jacket.

My heart was racing as I tiptoed through the halls. I reached the kitchens and paused, hearing footsteps. Quickly I flattened myself against the wall. No one came. I assumed it must have been my imagination and tried to slow my breathing.

Eventually I reached the defence classroom. Double checking to make sure no one was around I slowly turned the handle.

"And just what do you think you are doing?" I heard a male voice say.

I leapt out of my skin and let out what sounded like it was somewhere between a yelp and a groan.

"Hah! Got you!" The same voice laughed.

I collapsed against the wall as I realized it was Potter. Potter with his messy haired, round glasses, charming smile and twinkling eyes. Accompanied by Black, of course. Black with his long dark hair, cold gray eyes and aristocratic features similar to my own. The two couldn't be more different.

"What the fuck are you doing? Trying to give me a heart attack?" I breathed, my heart finally slowing down.

"We followed you from the kitchen." Potter grinned and offered me a hand up. "We wanted to know what you were up to at 1am on a stormy Tuesday morning."

"Nothing." I mumbled and accepted his hand.

Potter narrowed his hazel eyes and broke into another grin, "Liar! You're blushing!"

"I don't blush." I spat, knowing full well this was a blatant lie.

I caught the ghost of a smile on Black's face. He still hadn't said anything. It was quite unnerving, actually.

"Come on, tell us! We might be able to help you." Potter nudged my arm.

This time I did blush. It sounded so stupid and childish.

"Well… I was actually going to save the unicorn. You know, bring it back to the forest." I mumbled, embarrassed.

Potter's jaw dropped. He looked at Black, but Black was looking at me. AGAIN! Honestly, what was with this boy? It was getting really off-putting! His eyebrows crinkled like he was searching for something. I bit my lip, unsure what to say.

"I know it's kind of dumb, but I couldn't let it die in there. You're not supposed to—"

"Take them from their mothers until they lose their gold hue." Black finished with a nod.

Potter's jaw was still hanging so low I could've fit a Bludger in there.

"It made me mad, seeing it like that." I shrugged.

"Loren Paxton. You are incredible." Potter said with flourish.

Oh Merlin, this was mortifying.

"Well, that settles it! We are absolutely going to help your worthy cause and we know just how to do it too!" Potter looked at Black, seemingly for confirmation.

Black was still for a moment, contemplating something and then shrugged. James beamed, as if having gotten permission for something and then whipped out a thin, delicate cloak from his pocket.

"Um… no offence, but it's pouring buckets out there. Not sure how much use a cloak that looks like it would rip if you brushed your fingers over it will be." I said drily.

"Ah, my love, but this is not just any cloak! This one has been around for generations." Potter was still beaming like the bloody Cheshire cat from Alice and Wonderland.

"Ok, so it's a really _old_ cloak." I shrugged, still not seeing the point.

And then, before my very eyes, Potter tossed the cloak over his head and vanished completely from my sight.

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 **Please leave a review! It's so nice to hear back from readers :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks so much for the incredible response I've gotten so far! I'm loving hearing what you guys think of my story. I'll try to update a bit more regularly. Here's the next chapter! Hope you enjoy it.**

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Now it was my turn to drop my jaw.

"You have an actual invisibility cloak?" I screeched, before remembering myself and hushing up quickly.

"Yup," Potter poked his head out from underneath and grinned. It was unnerving, seeing only his floating head bobbing around next to Black's smirking one.

"But… where… but-how..when- but" I stammered, unable to process how a 17 year old had come by such a rare and expensive item.

"Hush, now lead the way, Paxton." Potter gestured for me to go ahead.

I took a breath and turned the handle of the door, hoping it wouldn't be locked. It opened with a click. I stepped inside the dark room, alive with the noises of the nocturnal creatures kept inside.

"Wait here, Pads. Keep lookout." Potter whispered to Black.

"You know next to nothing about magical creatures, Prongs. You keep lookout." Though I couldn't really see him properly, I almost felt Black rolling his eyes.

"Fine." Potter huffed and stepped back outside.

Black nodded to the back of the room. Suddenly I felt even more nervous, though I had no idea why. Black was far more intimidating than Potter. Being alone in the dark with him seemed a nerve-wracking situation. I swallowed my anxiety and crept to the back of the room where the luminescence of the gold calf gave the cage a slightly eerie glow.

"How were you planning on stabilizing it while you took it outside?" Black asked, peering into the cage.

"Um… I was going to give it some of this and carry it in one of the crates I'd seen at the back of the room." I fumbled through my coat for the little sky blue vial.

"Some what?" Black asked, bemused.

"Oh, it's just a potion I threw together before I went to bed. It's basically like an Essence of Exhaustion, but far weaker and without the drowsy side effects." I tried to simplify the work that had gone into altering the Essence of Exhaustion recipe.

"You… invented this? Does it work?" Black sounded sceptical.

"Yes. I invented it in 3rd year and had all the kinks worked out by 4th. I've used it many times when I can't get to sleep and it definitely works." I glared back, feeling a little affronted that he'd so quickly doubted me.

I tapped the lock of the cage with my wand and slunk inside.

"Now, if you are serious in wanting to help me, please make yourself useful and go and grab one of the larger crates from the corner." I snapped and inched towards the calf.

"Be careful… Calves are very untrusting." Black warned.

"Then they and I have something in common." I muttered under my breath, too quietly for Black to hear me.

Black, obviously with the hearing of a bat, halted and turned back. He crinkled his eyebrows and looked at me with a curious expression. I felt myself go red and turned my back to him quickly.

The poor thing was so weak it barely had the strength to put up a fight as I eased the potion into its mouth. It instantly yawned and dozed off.

"It should be out for a while now." I said and carefully lifted it in my arms. It was far lighter than I'd expected.

Black had the box all set up and had even had the thought to line it with some newspaper and one of Lindbergh's spare robes.

He lifted the box and gestured for me to go first out the door.

"MERLIN, you guys took forever! I thought one of the creatures must have gotten you!" Potter cried when we stepped into the hallway.

"And your response to that thought was…. Stay outside?" Black mumbled. I chuckled at Potter's indignant face.

"Let's go shall we, time's ticking." I said.

Potter threw the invisibility cloak around Black and the unicorn. He and I would have to go with the risk of being seen.

We stole through the castle and ended up in front of a large painting.

"As lovely Defoe the Gory is to look at, what the hell are we doing here?" I sighed and looked at Potter.

He was doing something strange with his wand. Tapping every third brick surrounding the painting. Suddenly, the painting swung around to reveal a passageway.

"Secret passageway to the forest." Potter smirked.

"Oh…" I replied, dumbfounded. These boys truly knew everything about the castle.

We stumbled down the uneven passageway until finally we came to an opening covered with what appeared to be shrubs and ivy. Potter pushed the vegetation away and held it back for Black and me.

Black shrugged the cloak off and set the unicorn down.

"We can't just leave it here." He said. "It needs to be with its mother."

"If we let it out, its mother will come. That is, if she's still alive. Who knows how Lindbergh captured it." I stated, trying not to think what we would be faced with if its mother didn't show up.

I lifted it out of the crate. Its eyes were beginning to flutter open, the potion had worn off just as I had predicted it would.

The young calf stumbled around the clearing a little, getting its bearings before letting out a high pitched whinny-like noise.

"Guys, back away." I muttered to the boys. I could see the mother hiding behind some bushes, but I knew she wouldn't approach until the scent of human was gone.

We tiptoed as far away as we dared from the passageway entrance and waited. The mother crept out into the clearing and gave her calf a sniff. Seemingly satisfied, the two unicorns disappeared back into the forest.

I couldn't stop myself from beaming at the sight.

"That's the first time I've seen you smile and mean it in a year." Black said to me, seriously.

"That can't be true." I said, taken aback that he had noticed.

"It is true." He said with finality. "It's good to see."

I tucked some hair behind my ear, unsure how to respond. I guess all that time I was checking up on him, he was checking up on me too.

"Yes! High five team!" Potter broke the silence by launching himself at the two of us. He pulled us both into a bear hug, grinning maniacally.

"We were so awesome." I agreed. "Thanks for helping me guys. I would never have found the passage on my own."

"All good, love." Potter ruffled my hair.

We walked back to the castle amicably. Potter chattering away about all sorts of nonsense, myself forced to chatter back. Black was silent. But I didn't feel as intimidated every time he glanced my way or accidentally brushed against me.

The Fat Lady was Not. Impressed with us when we returned, but grudgingly let us in. Potter gave me another hug at the bottom of the boys' staircase.

"Looks like you have more Gryffindor in you that I thought. Turns out you're not just a Claw after all." He winked and disappeared up stairs.

Black didn't say anything, but gave me the ghost of a smile before following Potter. I blinked, confused by this stoic, intimidating boy who was so careful with his words. He was so difficult to read. I almost hoped we wouldn't encounter one another again so that I wouldn't have to feel this strange uncertainty again.

Of course, this was not the case.

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	4. Chapter 4

**Wow I can't believe the support I'm getting for this story! Even just seeing how many people are actually reading is overwhelming. Thanks so much guys. I hope you like this next chapter. Please please let me know what you think!**

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The year quickly got back into full swing. Lindbergh had been FURIOUS about the "theft" of his calf. We all heard him the next morning at breakfast, screaming about the research he would lose. Potter, Black and I shared a smug look across the Gryffindor table. And that was the last encounter we had for a whole month. I thought I'd gotten off easy. But part of me was almost sad by how little we'd had to do with one another. With them I'd been different. Different to the cold, closed off, silent girl I'd become. I chattered, I beamed, I bantered. I wasn't like I used to be, before it happened. But I was almost happy, that night.

I drained my cereal bowl and swung my satchel over my slim shoulder. It was Friday, finally. My favourite day of classes. Two hours of Alchemy in the morning and a two-hour gap right before lunch. Not to mention, Potions with Sev in the afternoon. We'd silently decided to stick together again this year.

As I walked up to the Alchemy tower I contemplated the charm I was tinkering with at the moment. The goal was to come up with a sort of perception filter. That the caster would become impossible to look at or notice. They would literally just fade into the background because the minds of others wouldn't be able to process them unless they were directly looking at the caster.

There were still a few kinks to work out though. This was one of the most complex charms I'd ever attempted. Usually I just altered ones already invented. But I wanted to do something extra special for my Alchemy portfolio that would set me above the rest.

The class was small. There were only five of us taking the class. But that made it even more enjoyable, to be honest. I diligently worked through the two hour period, tinkering with my charm and starting my essay on the importance of pronunciation and formulation of words in spellwork.

After class I decided to pop down to the kitchens to grab a quick snack and then head up to the Astronomy tower to study. I didn't really like studying in the library because that's where Seb, Wes, Cate, Jacob and Quinn studied. I didn't really want to bump into them.

As I strolled to the kitchen, looking forward to my two hour break I saw something that made my heart break. Sofie. Absolutely crying her eyes out, tucked away in a little alcove in the hallway.

"Sof!" I cried and ran to her side.

She whipped her head up; horrified that someone had seen her like that, but then lowered it again when she realized it was me. I crouched next to her and put my hand in hers.

"What happened?" I stroked her short, brown hair gently.

"I-I hic I'm s-so scared.." She breathed through her tears.

"What are you scared of? Please tell me?" I squeezed her hand tightly. Ever since that summer I'd been so protective over Sofie, terrified something would happen to her.

"Y-Yaxley, and the Carrows. Th-they hic-" She was too distraught to get her words out.

"Shh. Come with me." I hushed and pulled her to her feet.

She didn't question me and tucked her small frame under my arm. Seeing my little sister in such a state was killing me. I'd made a promise to myself back then, never to let anything like that happen to her again. But with an imminent war on the rise… I felt like there was not much I could do for her anymore.

I led her to the kitchens and explained to the many eager, little elves that all I needed was some hot chocolate and cookies. They happily obliged.

Sof had calmed down a little by the time the hot chocolate arrived. She sipped it slowly, regaining her composure. I said nothing, waiting patiently for her to be ready to talk. Every now and then she sniffled a little, but eventually she sighed and looked up from her drink.

"I was walking back from Care of Magical Creatures. That's the class I have without any of my friends. And a couple of the Slytherins in my class cornered me." She began.

I felt my grip on my drink tighten involuntarily.

"I told them to leave me alone or I'd call for a teacher, but I think they could tell how scared I was. They kept hinting that they knew all about what happened last year and that… that it would happen again if we weren't careful." She whispered the last bit, biting her lip worriedly.

Though I was terrified myself, I had to pretend I was fine so not to frighten Sofie anymore than she already was.

"They couldn't know what happened, really. It was really hushed up. And Sof, they're only 13 year old wizards and witches. What do they know of Voldemort and the Death Eater's plans?" I stirred my hot chocolate to try to hide how shaky my hands were.

"Loz… they knew!" She insisted, widening her brown eyes. "Plus think of who their parents are, all Death Eaters probably."

She did have a point. I felt my mouth run dry at the thought that there was something more planned for my family. We'd been lucky, really. Lucky not to have lost anyone. Lucky that all we ended up with were recurring nightmares and slight PTSD. It could have been so much worse. And if what Sofie was saying was true… it still could be.

"Sof, it was a scare tactic. I promise everything is going to be ok." I got up and cuddled her close, lying through my teeth.

"I hope you're right. I don't think I could handle going through that again." She sniffled into my robes.

We didn't say anything for a while, but eventually she pulled away.

"I should get to class. It's halfway through Charms. Flitwick will kill me." She mumbled, straightening her robes and wiping her eyes.

"Are you sure you can get there by yourself ok?" I asked, smoothing down her hair. It was short, only reaching her chin and had a tendency to fluff up a little.

She smiled her gap-toothed smile. "I think I can make it up a flight of stairs on my own."

"Just making sure, cheeky." I pulled a tongue, relieved to see that my bullshit pep talked seemed to have worked.

She pulled one back and left me in the kitchens.

What Sofie had told me had scared me more than I was willing to admit. Not that I was taking the word of a bunch of kids as law, but she'd definitely had a point. Their parents were probably all Death Eaters or had some idea of Voldemort's movements. I absentmindedly broke a cookie between my fingers, crushing it to dust. Just like any resolve to be strong I had managed to conjure up for Sofie's sake.

I whipped my head around as I heard someone try to cover up a cough. The thought that someone had been here listening to us openly discussing our fears scared me in a different way. Black sheepishly stood up from behind one of the workbenches. He blew a strand of dark hair away from his face. I narrowed my eyes and crushed the cookie in my hand harder.

"What are you doing here?" I growled.

"Technically I was here first." He said drily, walking towards me.

"So what, you figured instead of mentioning to us that you were here, you thought it would be a far better idea to hide behind the workbenches?"

"Well, look, at the time it did seem like the best option." He rolled his gray eyes and collapsed in the chair opposite me, where Sofie had been sitting.

I said nothing for a while, wondering how to ask him how much he had heard. I didn't want to let on anything, but I also wanted to know how much damage control I'd now have to do.

He stared at me with a strange look on his face, waiting for me to speak. I wished he would bloody cut the staring crap out. It was super unnerving. I couldn't get a read on him at all. What was he thinking? Did he feel sorry for me? Did he think I was pathetic? I self-consciously wound a piece of my hair around my finger so I wouldn't have to look at him anymore. It didn't help that he was unbelievably handsome. He was already intimidating enough without also being intimidating in appearance.

"I never asked. I was too… confused. I kept making up excuses, but they all seem so feeble now." He mumbled, breaking his intense stare.

"What are you talking about? Asked what?" I spat, still annoyed. Trying to hide that he had flustered me.

"Are you…alright? You know, after everything that happened." He said, sounding rather strangled.

"Alright? Am I alright?" I said quietly, rage building in me like a fire.

"Yeah I mean, I'd never really taken notice of you before. You always seemed so flimsy and shallow. But you changed last year. You looked haunted almost. And I got how that feels." He went on, obviously not noticing how angry I was getting.

I pushed my chair back and banged my hands down on the table, my eyes flashing.

"First of all, it's been a year! A year, Black. One year since my whole life got turned upside down. Everything changed. How the hell was I supposed to respond to that? I lost everyone I cared about. And maybe my friendships and relationship seemed flimsy to YOU, but to ME they were important. Another thing… How the fuck do you know anything about what happened? No one was supposed to know!" My voice got louder and louder and more and more volatile until I was literally spitting my words out at him.

I sat back down, exhausted and confused. I hadn't felt that angry in a really long time. And I certainly had never yelled at anyone like that before. Not even Jacob. I didn't know why I was so mad. Maybe because hearing him say that, so many times, he'd had a chance to ask me how I was and didn't. Maybe because for some reason, I wanted him to care. To check up on me. Like I'd always checked up on him. And he hadn't. Maybe because I knew he was right. All my relationships had been so paper-thin. And so had I. And for the last year I hadn't known who I was. I didn't know how to be real, how to be 3-dimensional. I still didn't. And that scared me.

Black seemed unfazed by my rant, for the most part. He just sat there with that same weird look on his face. I couldn't put my finger on it.

"So what are you doing out of class anyway?" I asked.

"Gap until lunch. You?"

"Same." I said quietly.

He smiled. "Good."

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 **There you have it! I'll try to update again soon. Please leave a review! They really make me want to write faster! Even just one word to tell me what you think :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry about the delay! I don't actually have internet at home so I have to wait until I can get into uni. I hope you like this one! Please let me know what you think.**

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It was odd, Sirius and my relationship. We'd never speak outside of those two-hour Friday gaps. It was like we entered a different world on those days. Sometimes we'd study. Never in the library. We'd always go to the astronomy tower. Sometimes we didn't study. Those times were the best. We'd walk through the forest, trying to catch a glimpse of the unicorn calf. Or explore the castle, looking for other secret passageways. Sometimes James would bunk off and join us. He and Sirius had this weird two-way mirror that they'd communicate with. Sirius would let James know if we were doing something cool and he'd come join us. But then, at lunch, we'd go our separate ways: them to Pettigrew and Lupin, and myself to my books.

Until the day we didn't.

"I'm bored." James complained, flicking his wand to make my parchment stand up to walk around the stone floor of the Astronomy tower.

"Uh-oh" I mumbled to Sirius who rolled his eyes. We both knew all too well that nothing good ever came from James uttering those words. I summoned my parchment back and threw James a pitiful look.

"I thought we were going to do something cool. Not study." He moaned and flopped back on the floor.

"I said we were going to the Astronomy tower." Sirius said and flipped a page in his novel nonchalantly. He was reading 1984 on my recommendation and was both loving and hating it as I'd anticipated.

"Plus, we're not even studying." I groaned and stretched, having been hunched over my sketch of the Forbidden Forest for at least an hour.

"You haven't said anything for an HOUR. A. WHOLE. HOUR. I didn't even know it was possible not to talk for a WHOLE HOUR" James whined.

Sirius shrugged and looked back at his book. He was nearly finished. I was dying to talk about it with him. He was so good to talk about books with because he rarely agreed with my thoughts. I nearly ended up yelling at him in the common room the other week over Lord of the Flies and his lack of disgust for the boys' behaviour. He insisted that it made complete sense and that savage behaviour is an innate part of human nature. That Jack was the most realistic character of the lot with his bloodlust and desire for power.

I pulled my dark hair back into a sloppy bun and stood up. "Alright, alright. I think it's time for lunch anyway."

"YES. Food!" James shot up and swung his bag over his shoulder.

"You know, no one made you come with us. Loren and I were perfectly content to be quiet by ourselves." Sirius dog-eared the page in the book and put it in his satchel.

"I bet you were." James muttered slyly.

Sirius rolled his eyes again and led us down the spiralling stairway. I chose to ignore James. He often said strange things that didn't make sense. I was sort of getting used to it.

I was getting quieter and quieter the closer we got to the great hall. I knew that now we'd part ways and not see each other or talk to each other for a whole week. At first, escaping these encounters made me relieved. It had been a while since I'd been so sociable and never on a deep level like this. It was exhausting. But then I started to look forward to our secluded hours. Where I could relax and just be myself without always having to be so defensive all the time. And now… well… I didn't really want those hours to end.

I wasn't paying attention to where I was going and, lost in thought, ran straight into another student. I glanced up, embarrassed. When I noticed who it was though, my blood ran cold. Sirius and James hadn't noticed and kept walking.

"Loz." Jacob looked like a dear caught in the headlights.

I opened my mouth to say… what? To apologize for bumping into him? To yell at him? To kiss him? To hit him? I had no idea. And all I could get out was a strangled mumble.

He still looked as gorgeous as I'd thought when I first met him. His blonde hair, flipped across his gray eyes. Strong jawline, wicked smile. Your stereotypical hot guy. And he was taller than me. He ticked all the boxes. Until it came to loyalty and faithfulness.

"Um… how have you been?" He asked, looking anywhere but me.

I wiped my sweaty palms on my skirt and swallowed. I wasn't equipped to deal with this yet. But I knew the only way to get through this awkward encounter was to act like absolutely nothing was wrong.

"I'm super." I managed eventually, even giving him what I hoped resembled a smile.

"Oh. That's… um good." He blinked, looking surprised. "You know… you look really good."

I was about to reply with a cutting, snarky remark when James and Sirius cut me off.

"Loren! We wondered where you'd gone! And we couldn't see you sitting at the table." James called.

"I didn't realize you guys were friends." Jacob glanced between James and Sirius, looking a bit nervous.

I realized why when I saw the stormy glare Sirius was giving him.

"Yeah. We're friends." He said emotionlessly, still glaring at Jacob. This surprised me. I mean, we hung out for two hours a week. We used each other's first names. But I certainly wouldn't have called us friends. It was strange to hear Sirius refer to me as his friend.

"JAKE!" I heard a girl coo. I couldn't help from rolling my eyes. Quinn. This was about to get a whole lot more awkward.

"I couldn't see you at the table so I thought maybe you were still sick!" She crooned, coming over to join our little mismatched group.

"Nah, I'm good, babe." He weakly smiled.

Quinn, placed her arm around Jacob's waist and kissed him on the cheek. She then looked at me, as if just noticing I was there and feigned surprise.

"Loren! How nice to see you. What on earth are you doing here?" She ran her other hand through Jacob's hair obnoxiously.

"Performing open heart surgery, obviously." I said sarcastically. I heard Sirius chuckle next to me.

"Oh, Siri! You're here too. How lovely." She grinned sweetly, displaying all of her perfect, shiny, white teeth and batted her long lashes.

I wanted to throw up. The disgusted look on James' face suggested he was feeling the same way.

"I didn't realize you were all friends. I thought you were more of a loner these days Loren. I mean you did such a good job pushing away everyone last year. I figured you liked it better that way." She smiled fakely again.

Her words felt like a punch in the stomach. Sirius slipped his hand into mine. I wanted to rip my arm away as if I'd touched fire, but manage to refrain. It was the first time he'd ever shown any type of physical affection towards me. To be honest, I hadn't thought our relationship extended to any type of affection, physical or otherwise. After I got over the initial shock, I realized how nice it felt, how comforting. I sort of liked it.

"Well, James and Sirius seemed better choices for… friends… than shallow bitches so maybe they'll last a bit longer than you did." I spat, trying to cover up how much she'd hurt me.

Sirius squeezed my hand in support. Quinn nor Jacob had a response. And for the first time since I'd known him, not even James had anything to add.

The din of students pushing past us to get to lunch seemed so much louder than it had a few moments ago.

After a moment of awkward silence James finally piped up.

"Well, this has been sufficiently awkward, but I've been waiting to eat for two hours and I'm not about to waste another second of it talking to a bunch of stuck up Claws so see you 'round." He saluted, swung his arm around me and sauntered off, all but dragging Sirius and myself with him.

When we got to the Gryffindor table, before I could even extricate myself from the guys, Sirius pulled me towards their end of the table.

"Sit with us." He said quietly.

"We're actually heaps of fun at mealtimes." James grinned and slid into the benches where Pettigrew and Lupin were already sitting.

"Don't let him fool you, he eats like a Kneazel that's just discovered a gold mine." Lupin laughed, smiling at me.

James pulled a tongue and piled his plate high with meat. The boys got stuck into some conversation about a prank they were going to pull, James and Sirius doing most of the talking.

I looked more closely at Lupin.

His eyes were kind. I'd never noticed that before. I'd always found him a bit intimidating because of how smart he was and the scars on his arms and face. But, looking closer, I realized that his silence had probably just been shyness. And his booksmarts didn't necessarily imply arrogance.

Pettigrew had always seemed odd to me. And that didn't really change seeing him up close. He seemed nervous and anxious constantly. Like he thought the others were going to get sick of him and tell him to go away at any second.

"What do you think, Loz?" James asked nudging me with his elbow, bringing me out of my reverie.

I smiled and joined in with their easy banter, feeling warmer than I had in a long time. It was nice having people to laugh with again, even about something as stupid as which spell would be best to turn the Slytherins' hair pink. That and Sirius was still holding my hand.

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 **Please leave a review and let me know what you think! I would really love to hear from you. I know people are reading, and it's a little discouraging when no one says anything at all. So please drop me even one line. It'll make me want to keep writing.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Decided to upload a second one, seeing as I made you guys wait so long for the last one! This is the second chapter I'm posting today so if you haven't read the last one yet thinking this is the only update, go back and read that first!**

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"Why have you been hanging out with the Marauders?" Sev hissed at me as we prepared our potion.

"I'm not hanging out with them. I sat with them like once. I barely even speak to Sirius and James." I mumbled back.

He didn't say anything, only motioned for me to slice the flobberworms. Though it would kill him to admit it out loud, we both knew I had a steadier hand for these sorts of things.

"I just- I don't get it. They're so immature and pathetic. Why would you even grace them with your presence, let alone sit with them at lunch?" He sighed, stirring the potion.

I shrugged. I felt kind of bad. Sev had been my sort of friend first. And, I suppose, me sitting with the Marauders was a sort of betrayal to him.

"Look, forget it, ok. I can talk to whomever I want. Can we just focus on this potion?" I finished slicing the flobberworms and slowly dropped them in.

The potion crackled and spat and changed to a shocking scarlet colour. I smiled. Perfect.

"You know what we could do to make it better?" Sev asked slyly.

I shook my head. He gestured for me to look in his backpack. My mouth dropped open in surprise.

"Chimaera blood? Where on earth did you get it! It's one of the most difficult to find potion ingredients in the wizarding world!" I fingered the vial, keeping it hidden in Sev's bag.

"I know a guy. He can get any ingredient. Even unicorn's blood." Sev said smugly. He snatched it away from me and secretly snuck one drop into the potion.

My chest constricted weirdly at his words. Something didn't feel right about this.

"What guy?" I tried to sound nonchalant and twirled a piece of hair around my finger.

Sev didn't say anything. He watched our potion turn a shade of even more brilliant scarlet and gain a slightly reflective, glassy, look. I'd never seen a potion so beautiful. I'd never even come close to making something this perfect. But it still felt wrong. I couldn't put my finger on it.

"What guy, Snape? How do you come to know someone who can access pure chimaera blood? And unicorn blood too, at that!" I probed again.

"Just some friend of one of the 7th years in my house. There's no need to get your knickers in a twist, Paxton." He slipped the vial back into his bag.

"And he just… gave you this? For free?" I narrowed my eyes.

"Yeah…? Well, not really. But it was nothing. Just leave it." Sev huffed.

"Not really? What does that even mean? What did you give him?" I asked, racking my brain.

"I just had to make a potion, that's all. It was easy." He mumbled, stirring the potion.

"What. Potion. Snape." I hissed.

He was silent.

"What. Potion?" I grabbed his arm and pulled him to face me.

"Dlrom" He mumbled incoherently.

I raised an eyebrow.

"Dolorosum." He spat and pulled his arm away from me.

I opened my mouth to scream blue bloody murder at him, but perhaps luckily Slughorn chose that moment to sweep up to us with excitement.

"Merlin! Miss Paxton, Mr. Snape! I don't think I've ever seen such a marvellous blood replenishing potion in all my days as an educator! Why I hardly think I could produce such good results! Marvellous! Simply marvellous!" He clapped excitedly.

Sev nodded humbly. I bit my lip, hating the feel of the entire class' eyes on me.

"20 points to your respective houses! And class dismissed" He exclaimed.

"And bonus marks to my two favourite students." He then whispered loudly with a wink.

Sev had already packed up and fled the room before I could even turn back to face him.

I angrily shoved my books into my shoulder bag. How could he be so stupid! Dolorosum? Seriously? If that potion got into the wrong hands… I shuddered to think of what the consequences would be. What was wrong with him? All for some stupid potion enhancement?

I stormed out of the dungeon, deciding to skip lunch and go for a walk around the lake to let off some steam. And decide what to say to Sev. I had to say something. I couldn't let him think it was ok to continue brewing dangerous potions for some guy he hadn't even met. Sirius had tried to make eye-contact with me as I left, but I refused to look at him. I was fuming and would probably snap at him or say something I didn't mean.

It was a bit chilly. The end of October wind whipping my hair across my face. I pulled my cloak tighter. I'd heard people saying that it would snow early this year. I highly doubted it. The lake hadn't even frozen over yet.

I passed the whomping willow, which whacked its branches against the ground at the sight of me, orange and gold leaves flying off into the breeze. I'd always wondered why they'd planted such a dangerous tree at a school. It had only been around since my first year. It seemed like such an illogical decision to make. But I guess that was Dumbledore. Illogical.

I squinted, spotting someone else by the banks of the lake. Who else would be crazy enough to be out here in the freezing cold when they were serving roast in the Great Hall? They looked like they were crying. Without realizing what I was doing, I walked over towards them, crunching the leaves underfoot as I went.

When I got closer I recognized her. It was Evans. Her fiery red hair was loose and the wind had tangled it around her face. But I could clearly see she was sobbing her eyes out.

She heard me approach and whipped her head up, wide-eyed.

"Oh, Loren. It's you." She sniffed.

"Um. What are you doing out here?" I asked.

"I just got some bad news, that all." She wiped her eyes and sighed, looking across the lake.

I awkwardly sat down next to her.

"Well, what's wrong? Maybe I can help?" It came out sounding more of a question.

"My sister's getting married." She started crying again.

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"Sh-she's not in-inviting me." Evans whimpered, her eyes filled with tears.

"Oh." Was all I could say. I shuffled over closer to her and put an awkward arm around her.

"She hates me because I'm a witch and she isn't." She finally whispered sadly.

"That's stupid. You're one of the loveliest people ever." I mumbled, more to myself than to Evans.

She broke into a watery smile and flung her arms around me. My ice blue eyes widened, startled. But I eventually settled into the hug and even managed to hug her back.

"Thanks, Loren. I'm not, but that means a lot." She hiccoughed.

"Um.. that's ok… Lily." I tested her name out on my tongue.

"What about you? What are you doing out here in the cold?" She asked after a while.

I blinked. Should I tell her? I barely knew her. But somehow, I felt in my core that Lily was someone I could trust.

"I'm worried about Sev… Snape." I corrected myself.

"How is he?" Lily said almost inaudibly. She looked at the ground like she didn't like that I knew she wanted to know. It occurred to me then that despite the awful fight, the screaming, the horrible things she said and refusing to speak to him… Lily still cared deeply.

"He's… he's ok. I mean… generally." I stammered.

"Generally? What about specifically?" She jumped on my choice of words.

"Specifically? Well, specifically he's brewing dangerous potions like Dolorosum to buy potion enhancements off some guy he hasn't even met." The words tumbled out without me even meaning to say them. It was such a weight off my chest, though, telling someone else. Someone else who cared, too. You'd be hard pressed to find anyone else on campus that cared about the wellbeing of Severus Snape.

"Dolorosum? I haven't heard of that?" Lily cocked her head.

"You wouldn't have. It's not found in many books. It's mostly a pureblood horror story from the past. It basically eats your brain. Like slowly it shuts off synapse transmissions and eats away at the different parts of the brain. And it hurts. Like, unendurable agony. But you can't move. Or scream. Or anything. And eventually you wont know anything except pain. Like you wont be able to remember who you are or how to speak or how to move or anything. All you'll be able to do is feel the pain. Until it works it's way out of your system. But you'll either have died from the pain or be brain dead at that point. And the worst part is, you don't even need to drink the potion. All you have to do is breathe the vapours and it'll start."

Lily's eyes widened more and more as I spoke. She looked like she was going to vomit, by the end of my description.

"Wh-Why would someone want that? Why would Sev brew that?" Her voice cracked in panic.

"I don't know. They're sick in the head. That's why. And Sev is just so goddamn STUPID." I clenched my jaw.

"You have to talk to him. Find out who this guy is. Stop him from doing it again." She grabbed my hand desperately.

"Me? What about you? You guys were best friends!"

"I can't." She shook her head. "He and I are through. I can't talk to him again. You have to do it, Loren. You have to."

She was practically begging me. I knew she was right. Someone had to do it. And if it wasn't going to be her… well I guess that left me.

I nodded mutely. What on Earth was I going to say to him to make him realise? And what was I going to say to Sirius? I knew he had seen my mild confrontation with Sev at the end of Potions. And he wasn't the kind of person to let something like that go.

Lily and I sat in companionable silence, mulling over what we'd discussed for a while, before the cold got the better of us. We mutually decided to head back to the castle and try to catch the end of lunch. It was strange, feeling relaxed like I did with Lily. Like I did with the boys. I'd never ever really been relaxed around my old friends. I'd always felt like I was on show and had to prove that I was funny and smart and worthy to hang out with. And I certainly hadn't felt relaxed all of last year. But things were so different this year. I was a different girl. I wasn't sure who exactly I was yet. But I was liking her more and more, whoever she was.

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 **I'm not going to say the 'r' word, but you know what to do :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry again about the delay, exams are coming up and I've been so busy. I hope you guys like this chapter! It's my favourite so far.**

 **EDIT: So sorry! I forgot to put a trigger warning on here! I hope I haven't upset anyone. Trigger warning: description of abuse, mentions of mental illness and suicide.**

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I awoke in a cold sweat. I could feel my hair sticking to the back of my neck, my face and my arms. My camisole was uncomfortable damp and my hands clammy and the approximate temperature of ice. My face was wet and stiff from what I assumed were tears. I'd had the nightmare again. It always started off as something random, stupid and completely different. And then it shifted. It replayed the horrors that I'd already lived through only, somehow, far worse and far more terrifying. Tonight was different though. The nightmare had changed slightly.

I turned over on to my side and tried to sleep again, though I knew it was hopeless. Sighing, I rolled out of bed and slipped into my thin dressing gown and slippers. Someone in the room gave a faint snore.

I glanced out the window. The black sky was light blue at the horizon. I fathomed it was around four in the morning. Brilliant. Another early start. And on a Saturday too.

I crept down to the common room. The house-elves must've already lit the fire. They usually did so at around this time. Most students, however, didn't know that the fire even went out during the night.

I was about to collapse into one of the overstuffed chairs, with my book to try to get my mind off the nightmare when I started. Frozen in place, I realized someone else was already sitting on the plush carpet by the fireplace. All I could see was the top of his head, leant against the couch.

He must've heard me, because he whipped his head around with an almost frightened look in his eyes. My heart relaxed slightly as I saw whom it was. Sirius.

"Oh, it's just you." He mumbled darkly, and turned back to stare into the flames.

"Um… sorry?" I felt slightly affronted by his put out tone, though my voice came out wavering and unsure rather than strong like I had intended. I was still shaken by the nightmare.

Sirius grunted.

"I'll just… go… then." I bit my lip. He seemed to be in a very offensive mood. And I certainly wasn't going to stick around to be insulted.

"You don't have to." He mumbled again, this time less harshly.

I hovered by the stairs, unsure what to do. On one hand, I certainly didn't want to go back up to my dorm where traces of what plagued me still lingered. But on the other, Sirius clearly didn't want anyone to be with him right now.

"Don't go… I mean, if you don't want to. I mean… sorry." He sighed, sounding like the weight of the world was on his shoulders.

"It's ok." I replied as I tentatively approached him. He looked at me without really looking and me and patted the floor next to him.

I sat down a bit awkwardly. We didn't say anything for a few minutes. Until he finally spoke.

"You look terrible."

"Gee, thanks." I rolled my eyes.

"Well you do. You're paler than usual, which is quite an achievement and you've got bags the size of England under your eyes, darker than a Death Eater's mark." He grumbled.

"There's no need to be such a dick about it." I said quietly before realizing what I'd said and quickly shut up.

Sirius was silent.

"Oh Merlin, Loz, I'm so sorry." He sighed and ran both hands through his hair. I'd never heard anyone sound so defeated.

"It's—" I started, but was abruptly cut off.

"No it's not ok. You've never said a mean thing to anyone, probably in your life, and I've got no excuse for taking out my issues on you." He mumbled into his hands.

"Well, I wouldn't go as far as saying in my whole life." I smiled humourlessly and shuffled a bit closer to him.

He looked up with a weak smile and squeezed my hand briefly. A weird jolt of what felt like electricity shot through my arm and I pulled my hand away quickly. Sirius mumbled an apology and I felt my face burn with embarrassment. I hadn't meant to do that. It was just so strange. I'd never felt that before. I couldn't decide whether it was nice or not.

"Do you…uh… do you want to talk about it?" I asked, trying to sound casual, though I was dying on the inside.

"Look, don't take offense to this, but I don't talk about it. Ever. I mean, usually when I get like this, I'm alone. I don't even talk about it with Prongs, let alone some chick I've only known for a couple of months." He said shirtily.

I didn't respond. Sirius seemed to realize he'd said something insulting again and buried his face in his hands again.

"Just hit me every time I'm rude, ok" He groaned.

"I get it. It's ok. You don't want to talk about it." I said softly.

"I haven't even asked you why you're up at 4 in the morning." He said even more softly.

"Look, don't take offense to this, but I don't talk about it." I said with a slight grin.

He laughed. He actually laughed out loud.

"Ok, I deserved that. I'll make a deal with you. You spill the beans and so will I."

The grin dropped off my face. I'd never shared what happened with anyone. It had been very hushed up at the Ministry. Jasper, Sofie and I didn't want to even think about it, let alone discuss it. Most people only knew what they could piece together from a very vague Prophet article and rumours. I looked down at my still shaking hands. Maybe it was time. Maybe, after more than a year, I was ready to talk about it.

"Ok. You first" I breathed, shocking myself.

"Let's take a walk through the grounds and talk." Sirius said, gently pulling me to my feet.

"Sirius, it's snowing." I protested, gesturing to the thin robe I was wearing.

He smiled, tapped my shoulder with his wand and muttered _califfebate_ under his breath.

"That should do it. It won't be very strong, but it should hold up until dawn at least." He muttered the spell again, tapping his own shoulder.

"What did it do?" I didn't feel any different.

"I'm surprised you don't already know. I thought you were the spells genius?"

"I don't know all the spells." I muttered gruffly.

He smiled and pulled me into the corridor. This time, I made an effort not to snatch my hand away. Instead of feeling the instant drop of temperature leaving the toasty common room should've brought, I felt just as warm as I had a moment ago. _Califfebate._ I'd have to remember that.

We meandered through the corridors until we came to the secret passageway we'd taken months ago to release the unicorn. Silently, we stole through it all the way to the forest. I was amazed at how well Sirius' spell was holding up. And it wasn't just the spell. I felt a warmth deep inside me that I doubted had anything to do with magic and everything to do with Sirius' hand in mine. I tried to push these thoughts away. They were ridiculous fancies brought on by exhaustion.

Sirius helped me up through the exit and we walked through the forest towards the lake, still without uttering a word.

The forest was beautiful at this time of day. The trees and creatures that lived in it were all waking up, making chattering, humming, buzzing, chirping noises that filled the air. We could just discern the foliage by the light of the moon. I saw what must've been a pixie skitter away on our approach and a family of snow hares snuffling around for mice. Icicles seemed to dazzle almost magically, clinging to braches and the snow was pure white and glistening. It was absolutely breathtaking.

"You have no idea the kind of abuse I suffered at home." Sirius said, making me jump out of my skin. We'd been silent for so long I'd nearly forgotten why we'd come out here in the first place.

"It was worse than you could ever have imagined." He continued without acknowledging my start.

"It wasn't all physical either. That part I could almost handle. Not that it was pleasant, but I much preferred it to the mental and emotional stuff. Sometimes I'd lose my head so much, I'd begin to forget who I was and what the point of living even was. You can't imagine what it's like to have your whole family despise you. People who are supposed to love you unconditionally rejecting you over and over again."

I didn't know how to respond. He was right. I had no idea what that was like.

"Since I can remember, I've been letting my parents down. At first, when I was a kid, it was small stuff. Like playing with the muggle kids on our street. Or accidentally setting the family tapestry on fire. Or refusing to learn the violin and hiding away in my room during functions. They'd punish me for that. But the really mental stuff came later. When I got sorted into Gryffindor, Dad used to Cruciatus Curse on me for the first time."

I let out a gasp without meaning to. I couldn't imagine anyone so cruel as to use an unforgivable on an 11 year old. Well actually… I could.

"Sorry, am I dumping too much on you?" He suddenly said, tearing his silver eyes away from the lake to look at me.

"No, please, keep going." I said, biting my lip. He nodded and we kept walking.

"Ok. Well, it got worse from there. I won't go into the gory details, but let's just say discerning which knives were blunt enough to need sharpening by seeing which ones cut me less cleanly became almost a relief." He said darkly.

I could feel tears starting to form in my eyes, but furiously blinked them back. I knew he needed to get this all out and seeing me blubbing like a kid wasn't going to make it any easier.

"Some of the things they would say to me cut worse than the knives though. Like it messed me up on the inside. Some summers I'd end up feeling so worthless and basically any bad adjective you can think of I'd come so close to just ending it and killing myself. And the dread of going home at the end of the year… well that was enough to tip me over the edge sometimes. I would turn on everyone and take out all my aggression on my friends. I've said horrible, really awful things to Prongs and Moony and especially Wormtail in the past. Really horrible. It's a wonder they still want to be friends with me…

"That stuff… well it doesn't go away. Even when you _get_ away. It sticks with you. It's been almost half a year since I ran. I ran because I had to. I actually thought they were going to kill me. I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life." He shuddered, remembering. He was biting his lip so hard that it had started to bleed.

"Prongs' Dad took me to some Healer specializing in mental health after I nearly blew their house up at the beginning of the summer. It was like being a kid again. I was unable to control my magic. I got into one of my moods, only worse than usual and all my rage and despair just burst out of me. They told me I had a severe case of depression and that I could take potions to make it go away alongside counselling. But I didn't want to do that. I wanted to remember, not forget.

"Anyway… it still happens sometimes. The magic has gotten easier to control when I get like that, but it still kills me on the inside. It's so hard to push it aside sometimes. Prongs always tells me to talk about it. About what happened and what I've been through. But I just… can't. Not with him. Not with someone who's never known a day of suffering in his life. He just wouldn't understand…"

He stopped talking and sighed shakily, like he was trying not to cry. I was crying. Softly, hoping he wouldn't notice. We'd walked around half the lake in the time it took for him to tell the whole story.

"Oh, Loz, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry." He sniffed, turning to face me.

"Oh Merlin, no. Don't apologize." My voice broke and I covered my face with my hands.

I suddenly felt him pull me against his chest and wrap his arms around me. I instantly relaxed into him and held him as tightly as I could, trying to comfort him. He buried his face in my hair and I could feel something damp on my scalp.

As my tears subsided I grew steadily more furious. An anger I had never felt before. Ever. It grew like a flame licking at my insides. I could hardly breathe I was so furious. How evil, sick and twisted did someone have to be to torture an innocent child for YEARS. I wanted to scream with rage. I was shaking so much; Sirius gently pushed me away from his chest. He held me at an arms length and looked at me with concern.

"Loren? Are you ok?" He asked, worriedly.

"NO. I am NOT ok. I am FURIOUS." I said through clenched teeth. I ripped myself away from him and stalked forwards towards the edge of the lake.

"How could anyone treat another person that way? How COULD they? What the FUCK." I screamed towards the lake. I heard my voice reverberate back.

"Loren, calm down. It's ok." Sirius pleaded.

"No. It isn't. It's so not ok. It's the complete opposite of ok. I mean, I knew you had it rough. I used to check up on you at the beginning of every year, hoping it would be better. But I hadn't even fathomed how despicable what you had to go through really was." I said with quiet rage.

"You checked up on me?" He asked.

"Uh…Yeah." My face flushed and I looked steadfastly forwards.

"Thank you." He said softly, walking up behind me and taking my hand again.

We were silent for a moment. I watched the sky grow pinker on the eastern horizon. It was nearly dawn. Sirius' spell was wearing off slightly, but the cold wasn't unbearable.

"Your turn." Sirius whispered to me.

I took a breath, still reeling from what he'd told me. I understood what he meant by not wanting to tell James. James was so… bright and unmarred by the world. Nothing had ever gone wrong in his life. I hadn't wanted to tell any of my old friends my story for just that reason. Hell, I didn't even want to tell Sirius. But a deal's a deal. I nibbled my lip and began the long, awful story.

 **LLLLLLL**

 **Please leave me a review! I really appreciate them. Thanks so much to everyone who has already! Especially thanks to miZaru667 who's reviewed every chapter so far!**

 **Brooklyns Finest Hufflepuff: Thanks for the review! To answer your question, Loren wasn't in Ravenclaw, but her brother was and she became friends with all his friends so hung out more with the Ravenclaw's than any of the Gryffindors.**


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